So.....

I am not even sure what to title this post. It has been a strange day in terms of keeping it together. I am good, I am happy. So much to be thankful for and blessed beyond belief.........but at times I feel as if I am just one second away from collapsing. Not sure of what exactly........probably the exhaustion that comes with having two kids 27 months apart. One of which will not sleep more than three hour increments at night and generally a bad sleeper all together and the other who is (bless her heart) the most energetic person I've ever met. Both of my daughters are so precious in their own rights (see past blog posts, they are adorable little creatures) but I do feel at times that taking care of them makes me very bad at taking care of myself..

As a mother, you want to give your children the best and love them more than anything. You want make sure they know they are loved and all their basic needs are met. At this point in their lives, that means that I end up in my pajamas all day long. It means that I spend all day picking up toys and changing diapers. Making meals, cleaning up spills....putting my needs last. Most days, I shower after they both have gone to bed at night (before my graveyard shift begins with Katelyn) and some days, I am too tired to shower. I just sink into the couch for some time with my husband if he's not away on a work trip. There are very few hours in the day when I am not taking care of someone under the age of 3, and that is just another layer of my identity that I am learning to cope with. I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel....... They won't be this small forever and will eventually find their independence. I remember feeling so overwhelmed when Ellie was born and then as time passed things got easier, predictable and enjoyable. Most days, I find little pieces of bliss to hold on to my heart beats full of gratitude. Some days.....oi. Me = Burned out. I sit there and wonder if Ellie will go for a game called: let's sit on the couch and relax with mommy quietly for a while. HA.

Okay, don't misunderstand. It is not like I don't enjoy being a parent.....there are so many moments that are so beautiful and heartwarming they literally take my breath away. But there are also moments when I think drinking a cilantro smoothie would be more enjoyable than "it". If you know me, you know I gag at the sight/smell of cilantro. There are moments of chaos that I really don't want to "live in the moment". I just want those moments to pass, thank you very much. I knew having a baby was tough the first few weeks, even months. But now 20 weeks in, I need energy and rest to take on what can often be long days (especially when my hubby is out of town). The exhaustion of the last few days mirrors the likes of the "just brought the baby home" sleeplessness. Sigh.

I recently read this article and I realized that perhaps, I am not the only person who feels odd for not enjoying 100% of the time being "cook, driver , maid, nurse, loving friend, play mate and favorite person to ask 'why' to." It helped me see that there is no way I am going to love and cherish every second of this journey (example: I decided to potty train Ellie last week since we were stuck in the house during the snow storm anyway. less than 3 minutes after I sat her in the potty and waited for her to go with no success, she proceeds to go in her pants....in her carpeted playroom, number one and TWO simultaneously. did I mention I had the worst cold of my adult life and I was missing my husband like crazy? nuff said)

One particular paragraph of the above mentioned article (by the way, she is now on my must-read blog list) that really resonated with me was this one:.

Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it's hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she's not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn't add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it's so hard means she IS doing it right...in her own way...and she happens to be honest.

Honesty. Some moms make parenting look easy. I don't want those of you reading my blog (all 9 of you!) to think I'm one of those people. So...... I'm honestly and openly sharing this week of struggle and self-doubt. I can't decide what to do about Katelyn not sleeping and I am questioning my ability and strength. But, really, this post is is not so much about my kids as it is about me. Me being overwhelmed. Me putting a lot of pressure on myself to keep the same rhythm of life that I had before when I really need to let some things go for a while...yes, that includes regular workouts, time with friends, sleeping, wearing make up on a weekday and having time by myself (to name a few). I suppose this is about me learning how to be a parent and one that stays home at that. Figuring out how to go from working mom at a job that was basically being social all day long to being a mommy all day long. It's not good or bad, it just is. And in this process of figuring it out, I'm tired and I just needed to write about it (example: do I let Katelyn cry it out? Is she teething? What am I doing wrong? For all that is holy, please sleep baby girl).

Luckily for me, there are a lot of people who love me and support me, and having that makes tough weeks like this one easier. I am terrible at asking for help, but those who know me offer it and push it upon me and I realize how great it feels to take breaks and come up for air. To escape for a few hours and sink my nose into things I am passionate about (I am currently obsessed with decorating, thanks Pinterest).

In closing, I'm very much in love with my children, but I am also human. I know that this will pass and on the next thing it will be. Ellie will say something hilarious and Katelyn will smile her cute smile and my husband will joke his funny jokes and my giddiness will be restored. To all you mommas out there: YOU GO GIRL.

Me enjoying one of those great moments with my kids. KAIROS!!!!